I am yours

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior
 
i will call upon your name
keep my eyes above the waves
my soul will rest in your embrace
i am yours and you are mine
(Hillsong United, Oceans)

Oh my. What a prayer. What truth.

This morning I’m feeling heavier than usual.  Discouraged that we still have not received the ok to pick up our son.  There is a sense of urgency, desperation for him to be with us, his family.  I can’t seem to stop the tears.

In the midst of this heaviness, I am still God’s and God is still mine.  He is my Savior. My Redeemer. My Strength. My wisdom. My Shepherd. My all.

Wilson, Agazi 9-5-13 (9)

The plans for my life and my son’s life were planned even before we were born (Psalm 139:16). He knows the exact moment when our lives will physically intersect.

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Until that day I will continue to pray that He will “keep my eyes above the waves” (Psalm 25:25, Romans 8:5-11, Hebrews 12:2, Psalms 16:8, Colossians 3:2, Phillipians 4:8).

I will trust that “my soul will rest in your embrace” (Matthew 11:28-30, John 16:33).

I will believe that “my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior” (1 Peter 1:3-9).

Everything at Once

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Have you seen the Microsoft Windows 8 commercials with the catchy little tune by Lenka?

I can’t resist a catchy tune so I looked up the song and of course the bouncy, light feel of the music drew me in and I downloaded it.  After listening to it several times I started to hear more than just the tune.

As sly as a fox, as strong as an ox
As fast as a hare, as brave as a bear
As free as a bird, as neat as a word
As quiet as a mouse, as big as a house

All I wanna be oh, all I wanna be, oh
All I wanna be is everything
Everything at once

To be honest, she has articulated exactly how I feel a lot of days.  I want to be everything at once.

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As a wife, I want to be submissive and strong. As a mom, I want to be gracious and stern.  As a friend, I want to be loyal and honest.  When I’m faced with a challenging situation I want to be brave and kind. The list goes on.

compassionate,

discerning,

conversational,

patient,

smart,

authoritative,

quiet,

funny,

kind,

stubborn.

There are so many roles in my life and instances that require me to be so many “things” . . . at once.  But how is that possible?  How can I be everything at once?  It’s not.  It’s not possible no matter what I “wanna” be.  It can be exhausting trying and what I’m learning is that I need to stop trying.

For so many years of my life as a Christian I have “tried”. I’ve lived thinking that I was in control of being everything at once. And do you know what that ended in?  Disappointment, guilt, frustration, sadness . . .

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Scripture says that it is God who works in me (Philippians 2:13).  My efforts to have all these characteristics and traits are in vain.  I am not in control. When I became a child of God through Jesus Christ I was equipped with everything that I might need to do His will (Hebrews 13:20-21).  The very same God who raised Jesus from the dead equipped me!  So why in the world do I honestly believe that my trying is going to get me anywhere?!  I’m already equipped by a power that I can’t even comprehend.

This equipping continues on until Jesus comes back through something called sanctification.  (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24). I am being sanctified every single day of my life on this earth.  The Lord will not leave me, he won’t stop molding me, he won’t quit on me.  He will continue this work in me until completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6).  Amen!

So do I need to replace this “trying” with something else?  Do I just sit back and literally do nothing?  No.  I will seek God with all my heart through immersing myself in His word, being in continuous conversation with him (prayer), and simply taking the time to be still and listen.  The efforts in trying to “do” and “be” are replaced by seeking wisdom from my God as if seeking for silver (Proverbs 2:1-5).  David makes it clear in His song of thanksgiving, “Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!” (1 Chronicles 16:11, Psalm 105:4)

What’s different?

As I snuggle into bed I snatch my Pepto Bismol pink covered iPad from the night stand and begin scrolling.  Right before my eyelids starting wavering I browse through my unread blog posts.  It’s funny to see what catches my attention now as opposed to what caught my attention a few months ago.  You see I really enjoy making things . . .  from other people’s ideas . . .  that don’t always turn out like the idea I started with. Nonetheless, whether it’s with yarn, fabric, paper, stamps, or whatever I can get my hands on; I truly enjoy crafting.  So, often times when I’m scrolling through blog posts, I bookmark the crafts that I want to make, sometimes even stopping right where I am to get the materials needed to start the project I cannot do without.  But what I notice on this particular night is that these crafts I used to stop and study, I skim right over. That’s cute, I think and then move on. Why?  What’s happened to me?  What’s different?

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I have a 17 month old.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I have not abandoned crafts completely.  I look forward to the day where Roxie Kyle and I can create together.  We even gave it a shot for Valentine’s Day.  You can read about that experience here.  There are very possibly some super star moms out there than can craft with the best of them and have a 17 month old.  But right now that is not me!  I do good to get us all fed, make sure we have clean underwear, and scrape dried peas off the floor.  I have resolved that life is not over just because crafting has taken a back seat.  Life just involves something called change.

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This isn’t really about not having my craft time because in the grand scheme of things that is but a small sacrifice.  However, it’s what God revealed to me in this moment.  My life has changed.

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In the past change has scared me, at times even paralyzed me.  But this change, called parenthood, hasn’t really given me much time to sit around being scared.  There is another little person counting on me.  She needs me each day.  So I must move forward into this new part of life and along the way I notice these glimpses of change.  Some big and some small.  I notice that with change there is challenge.  There are hills to climb.  There is so much joy!  And there is a WHOLE LOT of learning.

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I’ve learned it is ok to not know what to do and it’s smart to ask questions.  There’s constant praying involved and an infinite amount of trust.  I’m being stretched, sanctified.

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And every once in awhile, when there is a still moment (usually during naptime) I realize that this change is molding me to look more like Christ just as I was created to be and for that I’m thankful.